My Apologies

Have you ever gone through a phase where you just don't feel like yourself?  Like your just going through the motions each day?  Well, that's exactly how I have felt lately. I have just felt like....blah! And the sad thing about it is that I know why and haven't done anything to change it.

A couple weeks ago while I was camping with my boyfriend and his family for a week (which was amazing!). I realized that I had forgot to bring my Kindle which had all of my books that I was going to read while camping.  I was sad to realize my foolish mistake but oh well; there was plenty to do besides reading. I had so much fun but for some reason I just felt weird...  About half way through the week I finally realized why I wasn't acting as cheerful as I would have liked.  My scriptures were on my Kindle.  I never realized how much I rely on scriptures.  There had been some unexpected things that had come up recently that I was having a hard time with and I realized that the one thing that I usually rely on making feel better was missing.

I am both embarrassed and ashamed to admit that it has been weeks since I have read my scriptures.  No wonder why it is 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep!  I have been up all night trying to figure out ways to make myself want to sleep.  I finally spotted my poor scriptures sitting in the corner of my room that were surprisingly not dusty from lack of use.  I decided that it is about time that I read them.  Wow!  I feel 182.75% better than I did before.

I am so amazed how much the Lord can uplift me by reading just a few simple words.  I had to just open my scriptures to a random page becasue it has been so long since I last read them that I couldn't even remember where I was reading last.  I flipped them open and read some scriptures that I had highlighted:  Doctrine and Covenants 1:37 " Search these commandments, for they are true and faithful, and the prophecies and promises which are in them shall be fulfilled....For behold, and lo, the Lord is God, and the Spirit beareth record, and the record is true, and the truth abideth forever anad ever. Amen"  Yep, as soon as I read that I started to cry.  I know the Lord answered a prayer.  I know that He loves me and always watches over and cares for me; even when I don't always have Him in mind.  I am so thankful for His love.  I'm so thankful for simple things as the scriptures that help uplift me and make me a better person.  I'm so grateful that the Lord answer prayers.

I would like to apologize to my family, boyfriend, friends, coworkers, and anyone that I have been around lately.  I know that I have probably not been the most fun person to be around.  I would also like them to know that I know that I can become a better person by sticking close to the Lord.  I want to promise you all that I will never let myself become such a grouch ever again.  I'm so thankful for the amazing examples that I have all around me.  I guess I realized tonight that life isn't really worth living if I'm not living close to the Lord.  I know He loves me.  I know that my Savior helps lifts me when I make mistakes and He guides me and because of His exa,ple, I want to be better.  I love Him!  Such a small thing such s reading a few lines in my scriptures has made such a difference.  The church is true.  Tis true!

Who's Yo Daddy

How to pray. How swing a bat.  How to show respect.  How to do my best.  How to fish.  How to do math.  How to work. How to ride a four-wheeler. How to stay determined.  How to live the Gospel.  How to fix a flat tire.  How to shoot a basketball.  How to read.  How to stand up for myself.  How to admit when I am wrong.  How to laugh.  How to have faith.  How to love. 

These are just a few things that my dad has taught me. My dad is by far THE most amazing man I know.  I really am the luckiest girl to have a father that loves me as much as 'Big Wade' loves me. I always know that he will be there for me.  He will come and help me out when I let my car battery die, or lock my keys in the car twice within a week, or have to do my taxes, or need help to pay for school, or  just need someone to talk to.  

I love how everyone finds my dad super intimidating.  And yes, he is.  He is a large man that has a very tough guy look to him.  But really he is probably the nicest man I know.  Whenever someone needs help, he is there.  He is always lending friends money, or giving up his time to help someone.  

Many people ask me what my parents have done in order to have a family that is as close as mine and to have a family that tries to do what's right. My dad has never been super strict.  Don't get me wrong, if I do something stupid he makes sure that I won't do it again, but for the most part my dad has taught me by example.   I remember in a job interview once my employer asked me what some of my good qualities were. After I answered she then asked me how I acquired those qualities.  I told her by watching my Dad and the way he lives his life. 

My Dad has taught me to work hard for the things I have.  Because of him, I have learned the importance of hard work.  Whenever I complain about working I can most certainly expect his usual story of "I don't want to hear your excuses.  I remember picking up rocks on the dry farm in my sister's shoes..".  I have learned that I shouldn't complain as much as I do.

Big Wade is hilarious!  He is always making jokes and teasing people.  Not only that, but he always has to be doing something.  I think that every room in our house has been painted at least once if not twice in the past year.  He is always making up some new project to do. Sometimes he thinks that he is funny but he really is not, but it's funny because he thinks that he is funny.

My Dad is a spiritual giant.  He knows so much about the Gospel.  He has always fulfilled all of his callings and is always the one reminding us to pray.  His testimony is amazing and I know that He will always follow the Lord and His counselors.  I went through a pretty hard time in my life and looking back it started to get better right around the time my amazing Dad gave me a blessing.  My Dad honors and respects his Priesthood and I am able to reap the benefits from that.

My Dad is amazing for so many different reasons.  A few years ago he wrote me a letter.  Whenever I start doubting myself I will read that letter and it helps me out.  I hope he doesn't mind me sharing but in the letter he said, "I feel so lucky to have a daughter that I can completely trust...  I never have to worry about you."  Those lines have stuck with me for a long time.  I want to be a better person because of my Dad.  If you could ask me what the worst I could do is, it would be to know that I disappointed my Dad.  I look at my Dad and how much he loves my Mom and our family and it kind of makes me tear up.  He is the perfect example of a loving father, husband, grandfather, and friend.  

I love you Dad!

He Didn't Put a Ring on it!

Saturday night:

 I was working, and it was kind of a crazy night.  I felt like I was running around constantly tending to patients and trying to get everything done.  I finally found some time at the end of my shift to sit down and do some charting.  Literally the minute I sit down, one of my friends sent me a text saying "So you are engaged?".  My first thought: "What a ridiculous question!  I just hung out with him a few days ago and he knows that I have not been dating someone."  He then tells me that on the infamous Facebook it says that I am engaged.  After telling him many times that I indeed was not engaged and that someone who thought they were funny, must have hacked on to my account.  I thought I would go home and quickly change the 'engaged' status to 'single' and no one would ever know it had been changed.... Oh boy, I could not have been more wrong.  I got home from work, showered, and went to bed because I was exhausted from my shift.

Sunday Morning: 

 I woke up from a marvelous night of sleep and started to get ready for church.  I heard my phone buzz, therefore, I went over to see which lovely person had texted me.  I looked at my phone that said I had 21 new text messages and 4 missed calls.  What the junk?!  I had only been asleep for a good 5 hours.  I then remembered...  Everyone was congratulating me and telling me that they didn't even know that I was dating someone.  I was told: 'He is the luckiest guy in the world', 'When's the big day?', 'How did he do it?', 'Is it this guy?','What are your colors going to be?','When do we get to meet him?','I'm so happy for you!' etc.

I was flabbergasted!  Many people told me they wanted to meet him.  My response: "So do I!" Dang you Facebook and your stalking powers! 

I was so confused!

It was great to know that I have so many people that want the best for me.  But it was definitley hard to let some people know that I wasn't engaged.  I felt like I was breaking their fragile little hearts because they were so excited.  I quickly changed the infamous Facebook relationship status back to its original state, yet, I still have kind people giving me their well wishes.  When(or if) I ever do have the priviledge to fool a man into marrying me I now know that I have the love and support of many, and I am uber thankful for that.

All I can say is whomever it was that got on to my account and pulled this clever little trick..touchè! You had me and everyone else utterly confused.  I didn't find it too funny at the time. It's kind of awkward having to tell even my family members that it was all a hoax.  But, it actually was pretty funny.  You are good.... really good!

Welp, I'm Legal!

Go ahead, cheak my ID!   I was able to celebrate the big 2-1 in the best way possible, with my 3 year old nephew!  Instead of sippin down gin and juice, I sipped on milk.  My nephew Tucker's b

irthday is the day before mine so we celebrated together!

T-man blowing out his candles!

My turn!

This year I was lucky enough to have my birthday fall on the same day as Easter.  It made me feel even more loved than I already felt.  If it was up to me, by my 21st birthday I would be off on a mission and have my life planned perfectly.  Thank goodness the Lord has better plans for me.  No mission, schooling is up in the air right now.  I still have my goals in mind, but right now I have no idea exactly where my life is headed.  I am terrified/excited to see what is in store for me next.  I loved being able to reflect on the life of my Savior on my birthday.  It made my own life feel so much worthwhile.  I'm so thankful that I have a Savior who loves me and is my best friend.  Especially in times like now where I'm not sure what to do.   As long as I stay close to Him, I know I'll be just fine! 

Needless to say, I had a wonderful birthday.  21 is an important birthday (even though nothing has really changed for me) and I'm so thankful for all of my family and friends that made me feel special.  Thanks to one and all! :)

Sista Sista

Life hasn't been the easiest for me in the past few months.  But what more do you expect from a college student?  I was so glad to get my finals over with and make a quick get-a-way to visit my loverly sister Britni and her family in Ohio for a week.  I was able to go for my nephew Tucker's birthday, Easter, and my birthday.  I loved every minute of it!

I have always looked up to Britni.  I love being able to see her as a mother and wife.  My nephews are amazing, and I know that is because their parents have taught them so well! It was super rainy pretty much every day I was there, but it gave me the chance to just hang out with my sis and her little tikes.  One of my favorite things was listening to my nephew say his prayers at night. 

While there, Britni wanted to find things around Columbus to do that she hasn't done before.  They leave in just over a year and I was more than happy to help her find some different things to do.  And I have come to the conclusion that Ohio is strange.  Brit wanted me to see what she calls the bunny fountains (aka. huge statues of dancing bunnies)  I like to call them.  Odd.

Also, Britni read online that were over 250 Brutus the Buckeye statues around OSU's campus.  So we set out to find them.  (I also find it strange that such a prominent university has such a dumb mascot.  I mean really? A nut?  You couldn't think of anything better?  At least go for the dancing bunnies are something!)

Much to our dismay we only found 3 out of 250 statues.  Yes, I felt like a falure. We searched forever and couldn't find then; only to find out that the statues have been scattered all around Columbus.  Oh well!

I also was able to go to my little Tucker man's soccer practice.  Such a proud moment for me!

Oh an little Grayson!  Such a happy boy!  His laugh kills me, and no one can get him laughing like his older brother.  I loved watching these two brothers play together.  Tucker is so good with Gray.

Here are my two men on Easter morning.  Such studs!

We also went to a place called the Topiary Gardens.  Pretty much plants shaped like people and animals.  It was pretty cool! 

Nate wanted to see Archie Griffin's Heisman Trophy.  I have to say, OSU's campus is amazing!  It made me want to go out and have a real college experience.  I felt pretty cool walking around campus with a stroller and a three year old running around! 

My sister has a strange interest in odd statues.  She told me that she wanted to take me to a field with corn statues.  I thought she meant a corn field with a statue in it.  No, no.  We found this!

It was in fact, a field of corn statues!  Britni loved it.  I found it bizarre.  tucker wasn't sure what to think. 

I loved being able to spend some time with Brit, Nate, and their kids.  Although, I now miss them more now than ever.  I loved playing with trains, cars, animals, watching Elmo and laughing.  Can't wait to see them in the Fall!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes..

Change.  Depending on the occassion this one little word can be the best of beautiful, or it can be the worst of  ugly. Spring coming and ending this dreary winter we have had... Beautiful!  Utah Jazz changes as of lately.. Ugly! "Be the change you you want to see in the world." "Change brings opportunity." "If we don't change we aren't living, if we don't live we won't grow." "Change is inevitable."  These are all quotes that we hear quite often.  Maybe it's because spring is just around the corner but lately I have thought a lot about this funny little word called change.

The other day I was talking with a girl that I went to high school with but didn't know very well.  I learned so much about her and how much she had changed.  In high school she became addicted to meth, got pregnant,  and had been arrested several times.  She told me how much she hated her life in high school.  Now she is majoring in Nursing, is married, raising two cute little boys, has a job, and just got sealed to her cute little family she has a few weeks ago in the Logan temple.  How amazing is she?!  We got into a deep conversation and I asked her how she did it.  How in the world did this girl seem to go from the ugliest of circumstances to the beaautiful position she is in right now, and all in only three years?  She told me that she just wanted to change the guys she was dating.  She said she dated guys that weren't into great things, but that the worst part was that they didn't respect her in any aspect.  So she wanted to date guys that were better for her. She then said that she realized that if she wanted to date guys that had all these great qualities that she herself would have to try to be better.  She went on with her story making it clear that she just changed little things here and there.



Ever since speaking with this amazing girl, I have reflected on my own life.  There seems to be so many things that I want to change.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better sister,a better student, a better employee, I want to be more positive, I want to help others more, I want to be more friendly, I want to be a better missionary, I want to be a better example.  I'm sure that we all have things that we want to change in our lives.  Today is the day that I hope to make one small change for the better.  I hope that I can always 'Be Myself"  but I hope to change a little every day.  I hope I can become the kind of person that I hope to become through these small, but ever so important changes.

Taylor Swift- Change

Working as a CNA, I have had many opportunities to talk with a lot of elderly people.  I love being able to get to know them.  But I tell you what, one thing that most every single one of my patients have wanted the most is someone to listen to them.  Let's face it, most elderly long stories that they could tell all day.. Some of them are pretty interesting and others are....well, just long! 


I have learned so much from listening to all of these stories and experiences that my patients have had. One thing thatI have learned is that I will end up regretting more of the things that I didn't do, than the things that I did.  Therefore, I have added to my bucket list.  There are so many things that I want to do in life.  Some of the things on my bucket list currently are:


Have a message to me on the Terrace Depot gas station sign (all those that live around it understand what I'm talking about!)


Go to an NFL game (preferrably the Cowboys!)


Learn another language



Kiss in the rain



To see my name on the Jimmy's Floral sign and get a free rose (too bad I have one of THE most common names in America!)



Go to China


Have a Lady and the Tramp moment while eating spaghetti



Meet an apostle


Sit in one of the first three rows at a Jazz game( and look all cool with one of those amazing lanyards on)



Learn how to play the piano and the guitar



Attend an authentic Luau



Kick an actual bucket





Attend a session of General Conference



Solve a Rubix cube

Become all Martha Stewartish(minus the jail time) and be crafty/cooky/homemakerish



Have a temple marriage


There is quite a bit more to my list and yes, some of them may seem a tad bit strange but you have probably figured out by now that I can myself can be a little strange.  Life is pretty darn amazing!  These are just a few things that I think will make it even better! 

I Don't Wear A Name Badge

Warning! This post will more than likely be long!  I am not the most comfortable talking about this but I think that it will help!

I remember being a little girl in Primary and singing the song 'Army of Helaman'.  It is still one of my most favorite Primary songs.  I remember that our leader would hold up pictures while we sang and she held up a picture of two missionaries talking to a woman on her front door steps.  You know what I'm talking about.  the pictures the church puts out that were taken in like the 80's and are totally cheesy!  I just remember seeing that picture and thinking that missionaries are like super heros.  they were brave enough to leave their family, go any where in the world, and help others learn about Christ.  I was amazed by missionaries.  I remember thinking that I believed in Jesus so I should help others too.  Ever since then I have wanted to serve a mission.

All throughout high school I worried more about preparing for a mission than preparing for college.  After graduation, I was so jealous when I went to all of the guys farewells.  I had to wait at least 2 more years.  I mean honestly?  I was A LOT more mature than 3/4 of the guys that were going on missions and I had to wait!  It was hard for me to be completely focused on school when I knew that I would be leaving soon.  I never got serious while dating anyone because I was going on a mission.  Nothing was going to stop me from serving the Lord.



Within the past year or so, I knew I was going on a mission, but I thought that a confirmation from the Lord wouldn't hurt.  I prayed and studied and didn't really get an answer.  The thoughts that ran through my head were,"Ah!  You are testing me!  I get it.  Patience is necessary.  I can wait then.  I already know that going on a mission is the right thing.  So I can wait a bit for you to comfort me."  Well, about three months later I still didn't feel that comforting feeling that I have felt before.  I started to worry a little, but still knew that I was going to help others realize the joy that comes from Christ and His gospel.  Everyone would ask me if I was going on a mission and my answer was always 'Yes!' or 'I'm praying about it.'

I was an EFY counselor this past summer and loved it!  Who knew that a bunch of crazy teenagers could strengthen my testimony so much!  I loved being able to help them come closer to Christ!  It is the most amazing feeling to see people change and want to be better. And that was just in a week!  I couldn't imagine if I had 18 months to completely dedicate my life to helping people in that way!  But I also learned while doing EFY that I need to be more willing to accept the Lord's will.  That scared me.  I started to second guess a mission.  At first I just thought that I was scared to leave my family and everything I know behind.  And by golly!  If I went somewhere remote how would I do my hair?!!!



I finally needed to reach out and have some help with this decision.  I remember going to my amazing Dad in tears and asking him for a blessing regaurding a mission.  I didn't want my family to know how much I was struggling with this decision.  I got the blessing and soon after I also received a blessing and some amazing advice from a member of my bishopric after being ordained for a new calling.  I don't think that he knew how much I was struggling but what he said helped me so much!

After hours/days of praying and studying scriptures I received the comforting answer that I had been looking for.  Except, it was the exact opposite of the answer I wanted.  I was not meant to go on a mission, at least not at this point.  The world stopped.  I thought to myself, "Do I not have a strong enough testimony?"  "Have I not fully repented of things that I should have repented for?" "Would I really be that bad of a missionary?"  I have never felt so terrible in my entire life!  I tried not to let other people know how depressed I was.  I think I hid it well, maybe too well.  I don't think that my family even knew how heart broken I was.  I cried myself to sleep every night.  I didn't understand.  How could I not go on a mission when I had been preparing for one my whole life?

It has been about 3 months since I knew that a mission is not in the cards for me at this point in my life.  And I have to say that it has been the hardest 3 months in my life.  It is so hard when someone asks me if I am going on a mission.  Most of the time I still say 'Praying about it."  hoping that the Lord will change His mind.  My testimony has been shaken.  I have srtuggled to accept it.  If it wasn't formy institute classes I think that I wouldn't still have a testimony.  Institute has given me just enough hope to get through one day.  And then after that day, I go to class, and get just enough strength for the next day.

Not going on a mission has been more of a test of faith for me than it would have been if I did go on a mission.  Through this I have learned so much though!  I have a new found apppreciation for anyone who even considers going on a mission.  I always thought that a mission would be a no-brainer but I now realize how much sacrifice it takes to go on a mission.  I have learned that the Lord loves me no matter what!  Even when I feel so alone, He is there.  He will always be there!  Even in times when my testimony seemed shattered I never could deny the fact that I felt the Lord's comforting spirit.  I have learned that I don't need a name badge to be a missionary.  There are so many people right in front of me that need the gospel.  There are people that are even members need me to share my testimony.  We all need to be uplifted.  Some missionaries bring people to the church, and some help keep people in the church. I want to be both.


I would like to thank anyone who has, is, or will serve a mission.  They are truly remarkable people! 

Well, this has been rather lengthy, but I do feel better now that I have written my thoughts down.  For the first time I am letting others know that I am not serving a full time mission.  I figure if the Lord has decided that something as fantastic and life changing as a mission isn't for me, then He must have something pretty darn amazing in store for me.  I now feel like I am picking up the pieces and trying to make the best of my life.  With a mission, I had the next 2 years of my life planned.  Now I have absolutely no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now.  But I do know that as long as I stay close to the Lord, pray(and be willing to accept His answer)  I will be doing what is right for me.  The gospel is amazing!  I know the Lord has such a detailed and specific plan for each of us.  I hope that I will continue to learn and grow while serving the Lord.  Whether I'm wearing a name badge or not! ;)

Here We Go...

Alright... I did it!  I gone and got me a blog!  I'm not gonna lie, I always thought that having a blog was kind of lame.  I mean if you have a family and can post pics of your little ones for people to oooh and ahhh at then that's fine.  But a 20 year old girl?  That's why they made facebook.  Lately though I have had quite a few thoughts that I have felt like need to be written down.  I doubt that the facebook world wants to hear me rant on men, school, or crazy things that happen to me.  So I know that not too many will even care to read this, but this is more so for me.  they also say that blogging is like having a journal.  Since I have been horrible about that lately, this whole blogging thing can't be too shabby!
So look out to the whole four people that will read this.  I plan on using this as a place to write my thoughts (however crazy they are), maybe vent about things in life, and share testimony.  Hipefully I can keep this up. Lookout blogging world... there is a new blogger in town!