I remember being a little girl in Primary and singing the song 'Army of Helaman'. It is still one of my most favorite Primary songs. I remember that our leader would hold up pictures while we sang and she held up a picture of two missionaries talking to a woman on her front door steps. You know what I'm talking about. the pictures the church puts out that were taken in like the 80's and are totally cheesy! I just remember seeing that picture and thinking that missionaries are like super heros. they were brave enough to leave their family, go any where in the world, and help others learn about Christ. I was amazed by missionaries. I remember thinking that I believed in Jesus so I should help others too. Ever since then I have wanted to serve a mission.
All throughout high school I worried more about preparing for a mission than preparing for college. After graduation, I was so jealous when I went to all of the guys farewells. I had to wait at least 2 more years. I mean honestly? I was A LOT more mature than 3/4 of the guys that were going on missions and I had to wait! It was hard for me to be completely focused on school when I knew that I would be leaving soon. I never got serious while dating anyone because I was going on a mission. Nothing was going to stop me from serving the Lord.
Within the past year or so, I knew I was going on a mission, but I thought that a confirmation from the Lord wouldn't hurt. I prayed and studied and didn't really get an answer. The thoughts that ran through my head were,"Ah! You are testing me! I get it. Patience is necessary. I can wait then. I already know that going on a mission is the right thing. So I can wait a bit for you to comfort me." Well, about three months later I still didn't feel that comforting feeling that I have felt before. I started to worry a little, but still knew that I was going to help others realize the joy that comes from Christ and His gospel. Everyone would ask me if I was going on a mission and my answer was always 'Yes!' or 'I'm praying about it.'
I was an EFY counselor this past summer and loved it! Who knew that a bunch of crazy teenagers could strengthen my testimony so much! I loved being able to help them come closer to Christ! It is the most amazing feeling to see people change and want to be better. And that was just in a week! I couldn't imagine if I had 18 months to completely dedicate my life to helping people in that way! But I also learned while doing EFY that I need to be more willing to accept the Lord's will. That scared me. I started to second guess a mission. At first I just thought that I was scared to leave my family and everything I know behind. And by golly! If I went somewhere remote how would I do my hair?!!!
I finally needed to reach out and have some help with this decision. I remember going to my amazing Dad in tears and asking him for a blessing regaurding a mission. I didn't want my family to know how much I was struggling with this decision. I got the blessing and soon after I also received a blessing and some amazing advice from a member of my bishopric after being ordained for a new calling. I don't think that he knew how much I was struggling but what he said helped me so much!
After hours/days of praying and studying scriptures I received the comforting answer that I had been looking for. Except, it was the exact opposite of the answer I wanted. I was not meant to go on a mission, at least not at this point. The world stopped. I thought to myself, "Do I not have a strong enough testimony?" "Have I not fully repented of things that I should have repented for?" "Would I really be that bad of a missionary?" I have never felt so terrible in my entire life! I tried not to let other people know how depressed I was. I think I hid it well, maybe too well. I don't think that my family even knew how heart broken I was. I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn't understand. How could I not go on a mission when I had been preparing for one my whole life?
It has been about 3 months since I knew that a mission is not in the cards for me at this point in my life. And I have to say that it has been the hardest 3 months in my life. It is so hard when someone asks me if I am going on a mission. Most of the time I still say 'Praying about it." hoping that the Lord will change His mind. My testimony has been shaken. I have srtuggled to accept it. If it wasn't formy institute classes I think that I wouldn't still have a testimony. Institute has given me just enough hope to get through one day. And then after that day, I go to class, and get just enough strength for the next day.
Not going on a mission has been more of a test of faith for me than it would have been if I did go on a mission. Through this I have learned so much though! I have a new found apppreciation for anyone who even considers going on a mission. I always thought that a mission would be a no-brainer but I now realize how much sacrifice it takes to go on a mission. I have learned that the Lord loves me no matter what! Even when I feel so alone, He is there. He will always be there! Even in times when my testimony seemed shattered I never could deny the fact that I felt the Lord's comforting spirit. I have learned that I don't need a name badge to be a missionary. There are so many people right in front of me that need the gospel. There are people that are even members need me to share my testimony. We all need to be uplifted. Some missionaries bring people to the church, and some help keep people in the church. I want to be both.
I would like to thank anyone who has, is, or will serve a mission. They are truly remarkable people!
Well, this has been rather lengthy, but I do feel better now that I have written my thoughts down. For the first time I am letting others know that I am not serving a full time mission. I figure if the Lord has decided that something as fantastic and life changing as a mission isn't for me, then He must have something pretty darn amazing in store for me. I now feel like I am picking up the pieces and trying to make the best of my life. With a mission, I had the next 2 years of my life planned. Now I have absolutely no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now. But I do know that as long as I stay close to the Lord, pray(and be willing to accept His answer) I will be doing what is right for me. The gospel is amazing! I know the Lord has such a detailed and specific plan for each of us. I hope that I will continue to learn and grow while serving the Lord. Whether I'm wearing a name badge or not! ;)
